Posted by: aceanderic | February 4, 2009

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 4

During our TV interview last week we were asked what the biggest challenge has been. My answer came from the heart when I said that the biggest challenge has been the unknown, and our financial struggle. I’ve asked every professional, and I’ve spent multiple nights researching the Internet for the answer to “how long”, “when will Eric be ok”; but there are no answers. Every person on this planet is unique so every brain injury is unique too; only time will tell the answer to my questions. Living the unknown daily is a challenge words cannot describe. I still haven’t accepted it. I find myself constantly bragging to medical TBI professionals about what Eric has achieved, hoping that the answer will be “Well that’s great, that means that Eric will be cured next week….” Like that ever will happen! But there is another thing I’ve kept to myself, something that is much more horrible. It wasn’t until I heard it from another woman while crying in her arms at RIO I came to say it out load. Her husband is also a TBI survivor. I don’t expect you to understand, not many do. The biggest challenge to accept is that “The man I married is dead!” How the heck do you ever accept that? The man in our house, Eric is his name, is a different man and he will never be, sound or look the same as the person he was up until that sunny spring evening on May 9th, 2008.

Writing this blog post I’m on my way to Sweden for a well-deserved break. I’m able to go home thanks to our very good friend Marty who will stay with Eric, plus thanks to my air miles. I’m an absolute mess right now, been crying for hours; how will this go? I’m wondering what the lady next to me is thinking; she hasn’t asked but I know she can see my tears. Eric has been worried about me leaving and I’m wondering if Monday’s chaos had something to do with it, or if it was something the doctor said or did? Monday meeting with the doctor ended up with Eric being helped out from the hospital with two security guards. He’d completely lost it earlier, he felt threatened, which ended up with a trashed office. The doctor is now worried about my safety and wants Eric to move to a foster home, I told him that Eric would never hurt me. And I know he won’t. He believed me in the end. It sure wasn’t easy to leave this morning to the airport. So I’m on the plain crying but I don’t know why. Is it because of Eric’s all lost dreams about a good and healthy life? Am I crying because what the doctor told me about Eric’s current state….? Is it stress? Is it the unknown around the corner? Is it happy tears for finally seeing my family again? Or am I crying because it’s dark, snowy and 25F in Sweden??

PS. 24 hours later and I’m posting this blog. I might know now why I cried earlier…my two heavy check-in bags have gone missing. Lovely!

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Responses

  1. ACE, girl…you have been through a pile of crap since Eric’s accident. It’s good that you are verbalizing what you are feeling. I hope you get a chance to relax and de-stress while you are home with your family. I’m sure your crying was a culmination of everything that you are dealing with. I wish you answers and a future that is good for YOU…however it turns out.

  2. I’m glad you’re getting some time to yourself and visiting family. You’ve carried such a heavy load for so long now. I hope you can relax and let Marty worry about caring for Eric while you’re gone. I’m thinking of you often, and sending you my best wishes.

  3. You are an amazing woman, Anna Carrin, God will bless you for all you have done for Eric in these past months. My hope is that you rest well and allow your family to care for you while you are in Sweden. The decisions will still be there for you to make when you return.

  4. Ace, we all have moments. You are living in the moment, it is always the moment. Always on duty, always on call, always helping, always encouraging, always pushing Eric to do more, always as patient as you can be. Enjoy your break! You are both in our prayers!

  5. ACE, we are thinking of you… get some good sleep and let everyone there take care of you. If there is anything back here you need help with while you are away, just email us, ok?

  6. ACE – at last you manage to get a break….. you have really deserved this. Maybe you are crying because for the next little while you can actually relax slightly which you haven’t done for nearly a year… let some of the weight fall off your shoulders until its time to go back to the struggle again. Just think of how far you have come since Eric was not even conscious. There is forward progress happening all the time.
    Marty – you are a true friend to Eric and ACE, you have my respect.

  7. Anna, no wonder you are crying. Is this not the first break you have had. You have given your whole self day and night without taking the time for you to feel concerning yourself and your emotiional well being. Those tears will hopefully wash away a little of the pain. You are truly an amazing woman. You must however at some point take care of Anna in the same way you have so unselfishly taken care of Eric.

  8. You should feel so absolutely proud of yourself. Everything you have done is wonderful. I don’t know any of you, but I love to read your blog because you have a lot to offer. You are a terrific person, your patience, dedications and just being there for Eric, and not giving up is just amazing. I sure hope you get to relax you totally deserve it.


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