Saturday, May 10th, 2008
I woke up at 3.02 by nose bleeding. I opened my eyes, wiped off the blood; the bed next to me was still empty. I got a calm feeling over me and I knew Eric had been hurt. I got out of bed at 3.05am to listen at Eric’s phone message. I called him back but there were no answer so I went back to bed. Eric got hit at 2.44am.

I had a busy day ahead of me. It was Saturday and I had to go into work to proofread the 140-page book I’d been working on, it was finally going to print today. I called Eric’s phone several times but there was no answer. I went upstairs to see if he slept in our guest beds, I don’t know why I did that; I knew he wasn’t in the house. I normally could sense when he’s around but I felt the loneliness, and deep inside I knew something was wrong. A realtor called me when I walked the dogs. His client wanted to see our house for the second time. I needed time to clean the house, plus I had to go to work so we arrange a meeting at 11am. I got home, called Eric again and this time I left a nasty voice mail about how rude he was for not calling me and for not coming home. This might be our chance to sell it, where the hell is Eric? At 10am the phone rang, I didn’t recognize the number. It was the police. “Do you know why I’m calling, Mrs. Davidson”, he asked. My heart stopped. “There’s been an accident”, he continued, “Eric got hit by a hit-and-run driver, and he hurt his leg. He’s at the hospital now and he’s going to need knee surgery”. “Is his head ok?” I asked. I don’t know why I said that; I never asked that question before. “Yes mam, but you should get over the hospital as soon as possible. Do you have anyone that can drive you?” A few minutes later the phone rang again, and it was from the hospital. The surgeon needed my permission to operate on Eric’s knee, and then someone else needed permission for something else. My head was spinning. “Yes, please do what ever you need to do”, I said.Then I asked if they needed to amputate. I rushed over to our neighbor, banged on the door, feeling totally dizzy. I grabbed my laptop, purse, put the dogs in the backyard and off we went. I was still in working mood so I called my vendor and said that the catalog files would get delayed a day. I was sure I’d be back at work by Monday again. Damn Eric, I thought, having me rush to the hospital when I need to work, just because of a small knee surgery. He should be able to call me from the hospital and tell me where he was. I’d called Eric’s brother-in-law and told him that I’d found Eric. He’s at the hospital for a knee surgery. “He’s at ICU West wing, and he’s a respirator connected to him for breathing support”. All this was at the time just words for me with no meaning, Paul heard the words and he told Marci to get ready to drive down to Portland.

I made it to the front door of ICU; I lifted up the phone to ring for someone to open the door. A voice answered and said that someone would come and meet me shortly, and she asked me to wait there. At the same time a man walked out so the door opened and I walked in. As I walked to the center area of ICU I felt small and completely lost. My husband was here somewhere, but where? A nurse approached me and said that I couldn’t see Eric yet because I wasn’t sterilized. A Social Worker led me into the waiting room and asked me to wait. I was confused, why should I sit here and wait, I wanted to see Eric. The social worker came back with Eric’s nurse and she said something about Eric being serious injured and the rest was a different language and a blur. I was told about Eric’s injuries, that it’s going to take a long time for him to recover and something about permission, paper work, surgery and if I had family in town for support. Eric got hit on the right side when the car hit him. His right lung was bruised really bad, part of the kidney died, and the liver was damaged. The spine was fractured, he had to lay perfectly still in bed to not damage the spine more, his right knee was damaged, broken ribs, a fractured scapula, part of the neck bone chipped off, cuts and bruises all over the body, and then she said that the brain was damaged too, but we didn’t know to what extent. My head was spinning, I felt calm but confused. I thought to myself, “It’s a good thing I walked the dogs this morning because this is gong to take a while”.

I finally saw Eric, it was hectic and everyone was running and talking fast. I walked up to him and looked at his face, there was blood on the side of his face, in his ear, and hair. He had cuts and scrapes all over his body. It looked like he was sleeping. I saw the tubs but I didn’t register the amount of tubes. “Where is his wedding ring? I asked someone and the same person pointed at his backpack in the corner of the room. “All of his belongings are in that bag“, he said. Someone approach me and needed me to sign some papers, and at the same time I was asked to answer some questions about Eric’s medical history, and another doctor wanted to show me an X-ray. I don’t think Eric wanted to donate his organs if he died so I answered no on that question, and he didn’t have food allergies so that was a no as well.

Eric had to get his knee taken care off so I was asked to go home and rest, someone would call me when the surgery was done. I grabbed Eric’s daypack and I noticed that the back was full of dried blood, and the shoulder straps were cut off in the middle. I knew Eric would get really mad when he found out about that; this daypack has traveled around the world with him. He loves this daypack. “I’m going to have to fix this before he wakes up”, I thought. I left the room and drove home. I called Pam and asked her to come down, it was more serious then I’d thought, she was already on her way with Gina and Marci. I called the realtor and canceled our meeting due to a family injury, and he got offended and angry with me. Once I got home I started cleaning the house. I also thought about making dinner. As I was scrubbing the bathroom floor on my knees I thought to myself that I must be in chock, why else would I be cleaning like this? I called the hospital and found out that Eric was back from surgery so I figured it was time for me to head back.

After getting lost a few times I finally made it back to Eric’s room. He had a large white wrap around his knee. I stood there for some minutes and just watched him. “This isn’t that bad, Eric will be back in a few days”, I thought. It’s Eric, he always ends up in trouble but he will be ok, just like all the times before. I had to see the restroom so I walked out in the hallway and that’s right when Pam, Gina and Marci showed up. I warned them that it looks worse then it is. “Eric is sleeping but he will be fine a few days”, I said. Marci started crying as soon as she saw Eric, Gina couldn’t take it and had to leave the room. I was confused, why were they so upset? Eric is going to be ok. Just shortly after more family members showed up. I got ticked off but didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. But there were no reason for why they had to go through all this trouble to see Eric. Eric’s going to be upset when he founds out about this, I thought. He’s going to be just fine, it’s just going to take a few days. How embarrassing, I thought.

My phone start ringing. It was all over the news that a man named Eric Davidson had been hit by a car and taken to Emanuel Hospital with life threatening injuries. Friends called me to see if it really was MY Eric the news were talking about.

It was later in the day and it was still hectic around us, more papers, questions and someone asked for insurance info. I didn’t have Eric’s insurance card on me so I handed in mine, which caused some major issues later. We were all standing by Eric’s bed, looking down at him. His eyes were closed but I could see his eyes moving back and forth. His arms were tied down in bed for safety. His muscles were working; his fist and legs were tightened. I could see him fighting inside the body; he must have been in excruciating pain. Someone told me that a man named Jeremy Jordan had been arrested for hitting Eric with this car. I thought it was a good thing the accident happened on a Saturday morning, this would give him some time to heal before Monday came and we all had to go back to work. I didn’t know at the time that I was never going back to work at Nemo Design again and that Eric would stay at a hospital setting for six months, and on top of that, never be the same person again.

It’s a year ago today, and so much has happened since. The sun is shining just like last year. And I’m sorry to say that just like I had to wake up alone a year ago, someone else will too tomorrow. This same person will also get a call from the police about their spouse being hurt and rushed over to ICU…. Who ever you are; be strong my friend and have lots of patience, you’ll need it. And please, never give up hope, no matter what the doctor tells you. Never give up hope!

I’d like to invite you to a Swedish fundraiser on Friday, May 29th, doors open at 6pm. The location is Laurelhurst Club, 3721 Southeast Ankeny Street Portland, OR 97214

All proceeds from this party and silent auction will go towards Eric’s future care, which as you know, is absolutely critical for his recovery.

How: Please join the Swedes in Portland for a fun night ABBA style. Light Swedish Food and a welcome drink are included in the ticket price of only $25/person! Dancing is free! Cash bar. Surprises. Silent auction. Raffles. Guaranteed Fun.

Please write a check for $25/person to Eric Davidson and mail it to: Anna Salita, 5005 Hartford Place, Lake Oswego, OR 97035. Please invite your neighbors and friends and let her know you are coming by May 15, 2009. Questions? Contact Anna at ajsalita@hotmail.com or Erika at erika.ballinger@comcast.net

Thank you!!!

We’ve had bad weeks and weeks more encouraging with progress and laughter since my last posting. Eric is now spending three days a week at a Day Treatment Program, their mission is to provide physical, psychological, cognitive and behavioral rehab opportunities for TBI survivors. The place is called CEC but we call it “Work”. Work is exactly what this is, and it’s been great for both Eric and I. CEC have taken a lot of stress off my shoulders. When he’s at CEC I have the security of knowing Eric is safe, and being physically and cognitively challenged. Some days Eric gets hardly anything done at CEC, he’s tired and won’t participate in the exercises, and some days he’s really motivated, working out hard and making jokes. One day Eric got off the buss with a huge smile; he’d planned to take me out for dinner, he said, so we went to the restaurant down the street from our house. It wasn’t really a surprise to me; CEC had called me earlier to discuss his plan with me to make sure it was ok. I was ready to “hit town” with Eric when he came home, and so was the restaurant I’d forewarned them too incase Eric would get aggressive or out of line. Eric was treated with respect and we had a great time with good food. I have our neighbor to thank for this dinner; they gave me a gift certificate for my birthday! Being out in public with Eric is terrifying! It’s normal for a survivor during the recovery process to be inappropriate to others in public, and as I’ve said many times; Mr. Inappropriate is Eric’s nickname and he still is inappropriate. One day he managed to yell at three people during the minutes it took us to park the car and step into the doctor’s office. Then once we met with the doctor he yelled at him too for saving his life. Eric’s been deeply depressed about his present state, he’s fed up with it and wants it to end, he says. He’s sad about the things he can’t do anymore, the words he can’t speak, the memory he can’t find, and for the old friends who’s not calling him. He’s wondering why nobody wants to help him; I think he’s looking for the same magical pill I’m looking for that will cure him. Unfortunately, the “magic pill” is hard work and patience. Eric needs to find a new meaning with his life; he needs something that will keep him fighting and keep going. That’s a pretty big task, I’d say. When I had the hardest time I learned to look for the small thing in life that would give me hope, and I’m trying to teach Eric the very same thing. I tell him that one day he will see the light in the end of the tunnel, Eric is not going to stay like this, he is going to get better but he doesn’t believe me. He’s lost hope. We’ve both been depressed lately, we’ve both been lost, and scared. Having Eric at home and being his 24/7 Caregiver has been the biggest challenge in my life. What Eric needs, besides feeling safe and loved, is more then one person can give him. He needs a strong team of different individuals that can help him get his independence and life back, and he needs his family. The last two months has been busy. I’ve hired a contractor to finish the bathroom project Eric was working on when the accident happened. Our house is going up on the market this weekend. I’m packing up our life to move to Seattle to live closer to Eric’s family. The family and I are currently working on transferring all information to WA State, which is a huge but possible task.

Hello! This is Marty.
Here is a post of time that Eric and I spent together while Ace was taking a much-needed break.

This was the first time that someone other than Ace would be with Eric for an extended period of time. I don’t know who was more nervous, Ace leaving the country, or me, filling in for Ace, or Eric who was now going to have a new caretaker. Wow, what a job! Medicine schedules, dog schedules, rest schedules, doctor’s appointments, food intake, water intake, the ever changing needs of Eric. The Davidson’s are truly amazing for their strength to move forward everyday in a new world faced with the challenge of learning how to live again in a new life. I know I wouldn’t have been able to help out if it wasn’t for Ace’s meticulous notes, forethought into her husbands needs, ability to talk to us when needed (even at 9 hours difference, thank you Ace!), and to the dog walkers, neighbors, and other volunteers, thanks.

So…

Through the summer I was fortunate enough to sporadically see Eric and Ace. It was a window to Eric and Ace’s recovery that was time lapsed. When Ace and I talked about her going on vacation, I thought it would be interesting to see the steps that would transform in an extended stay.

Many attributes will form over years of knowing an individual. Eric and I definitely have some unique ones. Being here was a gateway to seeing some of those attributes come forth again. Some were cloudy, and others were plain as day. Some brought tears to our eyes and the rest made us laugh or think about the past and future. We tried to include as much laughter as possible to get through some difficult times, and sometimes it backfired, sometimes it worked.

The start of this stay would be riddled with the uncertainty that Ace mentioned in the previous blog. There was a change in medication, the added days to the day program, you’re loved one leaving, someone else watching your schedule, someone else living with you, the food being prepared differently, sorry bro! How would Eric react to all these changes? Would he know the difference? Would he remember? To see Eric work through these changes and be able to adapt was frustrating and rewarding.

Each time I come out here, Eric amazes me. I look back to the five, ten, then 20 minutes of walking with a walker in the hall at the hospital, then hours of rest. Now he walks with trekking poles a couple blocks to local market and back with no breaks. Sometimes, “Mr. Inappropriate” comes out when crossing the street, but only if he picks up on the vibe that the waiting cars are in a hurry. If the vibe is good, you get a “thumbs up” of respect once he has crossed, Mr. Inappropriate turns into Mr. Nice Guy. In Eric you can see when he gets frustrated about situations in his head that he can’t control. It is read in his facial expressions and in body language.

Another item that has been interesting to be apart of is the “routine.” The routine is the daily and weekly schedule that is in place. Who would ever think that you would have to learn what time it was again and how that relates to morning, noon, and night or even what day of the week it is. Mornings with Eric have never been easy and now they are “not” easy. Most mornings Eric got out of bed with minimal coaxing, surprising to me compared to my stay before the holidays. Now, once he is up, he is up. A step that needed to be in place before Eric could get to his new day program. This program challenges him in a cognitive manner as well as physically. Best of all, he enjoys it.

Eric’s energy level is on the rise as well. This was a fun one for the week as he started to make his own agenda. After dinner one night, Eric decided that he was “going out.” It was good to hear him pronounce, “going out” enough to understand him. On the other hand it was after dinner and, where was he planning on going? Next thing you know Eric had walking sticks in hand and was headed for the door. Just like old times. Eric doing what he wants when he wants. We walked to a neighborhood restaurant so he could make reservations for Valentine’s Day. Unfortunately the restaurant was closed which took some explaining. He couldn’t understand why they were closed when he was there to make reservations. At least he got another walk in and stayed on task of getting there and back.

Ever have one of those days where all emotions, stresses, and feelings are hitting you at once. Now imagine only being able to express one of those feelings or emotions at a time and not being able to control another emotion. This is challenging in the fact that there is a routine to try and follow but the motivation is not there to follow it, and now you’re depressed and you can’t control it. Watching Eric this week deal with the fact that Ace is not here was tough. At first he was confused and scared, and later, sad and longing for her. They have been inseparable since the accident, Ace always by his side. As the week progressed and he made it past the halfway point, his spirit lifted, but then fell. It became easier to feed him, get him up in the morning, and watch him take more water by himself, if his spirit was up. As soon as he got down it would be almost impossible to get him out of bed, or fed, or to get any therapy done.

The day of remembering! After transportation dropped Eric off one afternoon, Eric said to me, “Reservations!” It was pretty clear what he said as I didn’t ask him to repeat it. Even more amazing to me was the fact that a couple days prior he was headed to make reservations for dinner and now he remembered the task again. He pointed his fingers towards the restaurant and starting walking. I told him to wait for me so I could get the house closed up. Eric’s reply was “I am not fast” as he kept pointing down the way. I cracked up laughing as he had this funny smirk on his face. A little attribute you pick up along the way to friendship is the ability to do a little mind reading. The smile on his face only meant one thing, go lock the doors and catch up.

Ending this post by abbreviating a quote from something Eric wrote to Ace long before the accident that reflects on what Eric and I have talked about regarding his road to recovery.

“I can’t wait for all this to be over and have things back to normal…I’ll be happy when it’s all over”

During our TV interview last week we were asked what the biggest challenge has been. My answer came from the heart when I said that the biggest challenge has been the unknown, and our financial struggle. I’ve asked every professional, and I’ve spent multiple nights researching the Internet for the answer to “how long”, “when will Eric be ok”; but there are no answers. Every person on this planet is unique so every brain injury is unique too; only time will tell the answer to my questions. Living the unknown daily is a challenge words cannot describe. I still haven’t accepted it. I find myself constantly bragging to medical TBI professionals about what Eric has achieved, hoping that the answer will be “Well that’s great, that means that Eric will be cured next week….” Like that ever will happen! But there is another thing I’ve kept to myself, something that is much more horrible. It wasn’t until I heard it from another woman while crying in her arms at RIO I came to say it out load. Her husband is also a TBI survivor. I don’t expect you to understand, not many do. The biggest challenge to accept is that “The man I married is dead!” How the heck do you ever accept that? The man in our house, Eric is his name, is a different man and he will never be, sound or look the same as the person he was up until that sunny spring evening on May 9th, 2008.

Writing this blog post I’m on my way to Sweden for a well-deserved break. I’m able to go home thanks to our very good friend Marty who will stay with Eric, plus thanks to my air miles. I’m an absolute mess right now, been crying for hours; how will this go? I’m wondering what the lady next to me is thinking; she hasn’t asked but I know she can see my tears. Eric has been worried about me leaving and I’m wondering if Monday’s chaos had something to do with it, or if it was something the doctor said or did? Monday meeting with the doctor ended up with Eric being helped out from the hospital with two security guards. He’d completely lost it earlier, he felt threatened, which ended up with a trashed office. The doctor is now worried about my safety and wants Eric to move to a foster home, I told him that Eric would never hurt me. And I know he won’t. He believed me in the end. It sure wasn’t easy to leave this morning to the airport. So I’m on the plain crying but I don’t know why. Is it because of Eric’s all lost dreams about a good and healthy life? Am I crying because what the doctor told me about Eric’s current state….? Is it stress? Is it the unknown around the corner? Is it happy tears for finally seeing my family again? Or am I crying because it’s dark, snowy and 25F in Sweden??

PS. 24 hours later and I’m posting this blog. I might know now why I cried earlier…my two heavy check-in bags have gone missing. Lovely!

Last week Eric asked me “What are you doing during the days?” I’ve never been this stressed out in my life, so when he asked me this I almost smacked him with the frying pan. Who needs to work out at the gym when you have a disabled husband living with you in a house with a basement and a second floor? It feels like I’m running around all day long and probably loosing tons of calories, and still not getting everything done. Eric forgot that I don’t work at NEMO anymore and didn’t realize that I’m with him 24/7 as his Caregiver. Today he said, “It can’t be easy taking care of me so thank you for all your help”. That’s some progress I would say, and I answered him the honest truth; “You’re a pain in the butt and it’s not easy at all, but that’s ok, and thank you for acknowledging it.”

I’ve noticed progress is many areas since my last blog post. Two months ago Eric walked 40 steps at the dog park from the car to the park bench, and then 40 steps back to the car. Last week, he took a 20 minutes walk in our neighborhood with his trekking poles as help to keep his balance. Progress! His walker has retired to the garage and I’m looking forward to the day I can sell it; he’s currently using his trekking poles for walking outdoors and actually no support indoors besides walls and furniture. He’s also walking stairs without support. His balance and his strengths are coming back slowly but steady. He’s had a few falls but nothing major. Progress! Eric’s still really confused, and his short-term memory is still extremely poor and we don’t know how much of this he will recover but some days he remembers more then others. Eric is writing a diary almost daily to help remind him of the day’s activities. Eric is so fortunate to still remember how to use his computer and his iPhone. Since his friends has a hard time understanding him, the iPone is his gate to the world and it helps him stay in touch with friends, and he’s on that thing constantly. Progress! Eric’s speech still needs tons of work, but you know what; we’ve hade progress in this area too. During our first meeting with his new SLP we discovered that if Eric concentrates on HOW TO SAY IT, it makes it easier for us to understand him. You and I are only concerned about WHAT we say, and even then, we get it wrong occasionally. Eric needs to add on top of that, how to say it, which I have no doubt must be exhausting. But it’s working and I’ve seen progress even in this. One day Eric will be walking and talking like the rest of us, and it’s going to be difficult to see his main injury. Brain injury is called “The silent epidemic” because you can’t look at a person and tell he’s sustained a brain injury; but it’s there and will be there for the rest of his life. And it’s going to complicate our lives forever.

My advice to people is; if you see a man walking unstable, with help of trekking poles; don’t ask if he’s going skiing. Obviously, a young man would rather BE skiing then wobble in to the therapy room at the hospital. I can’t blame Eric for screaming back at that old lady, or the nice man in the elevator; I would too. The only difference is that Eric, due to the injury, can’t tell the difference from right and wrong so he’s really showing his feelings! Eric’s nickname is still Mr. Inappropriate!

New Years Eve, the last day of the year and the last rush for us to get things done. With “done” I mean getting the last doctor visit done for the year. Our deductible has been reached so we’ve been taking advantage of getting services done while the insurance is covering the cost. This is the reason why I’ve kept Eric extremely busy the last two months with outpatient therapy, and multiple doctor visits in different areas. Today was a busy day with three visits at two different hospitals. Eric got radiation treatment on his knees today plus speech therapy. Radiation therapy is suppose to be an effective method of preventing Heterotopic Bone increase, the result will tell in about two weeks.

We have been on a role, we only missed one appointment due to the “snow storm”, and that’s because the eye doctor kept the place closed due to the weather. I was determined to get everything done, nothing could stop me so when Portland got two feet of snow, our friends thought I was nuts when I left for Seattle. There was no way I would celebrate Christmas in Portland with only Eric and I; I had cabin fever and needed company. I packed the car with Christmas gifts, handicap equipment, gear for a week for the two of us, snacks for the ride, dogs and dog stuff, and off we went. The hardest part was to leave our street but we made it to Seattle without any problems. I’m used to drive in the snow, being a Swede and all so it sure would have been embarrassing if I had wracked the car!

Our week in Seattle with Eric’s family went surprising well. Eric’s nieces and nephew kept him busy with playing Wii, which he actually won several times. This game is known to be used as a therapy tool with success so I was extremely happy to see that his family had purchased a Wii set for Eric. This really was a wonderful Christmas and it will help Eric practice his balance, memory and all kind of other things. At Christmas Dinner over at his auntie’s place, Eric was treated like royalty. I actually think someone even referred Eric as “The Sopranos”. I had sent out an email in advance to give his family a heads up about his condition, and they took this to their hearts. Eric sat on the king throne while family came up to him to talk with him, give him massage, etc. Eric who had missed his family a lot was in great mood and truly loved the attention. Who wouldn’t?

I have big plans for 2009 for Eric’s recovery. It’s going to be more structured on a weekly basic, which is important during his recovery. Starting next week, Eric will participate in a day-treatment program for TBI survivors. With start twice a week this will provide him with a five hours daily consistent therapeutic activity. It’s been really stressful to be the main and only person, expect his therapists, to support his recovery so I’m looking forward getting professional assistance. I’m also looking forward getting some of my life back, and I hope to have a job soon.

Today was a stressful day so the New Years Dinner I had prepared will have to wait until tomorrow. Eric requested….pizza for the evening. Sad huh? 2008 was a sad year so cheers for 2009. May this coming year be a heck of a lot better then 2008!!

It feels weird to not write this blog daily anymore, it was helpful but I honestly don’t have time. Every minute of the day is planned on my end. When Eric is resting I have a list of things to get to, and when he’s awake we’re either scheduled for therapy at the hospital, seeing doctors or are at home taking care of our daily routine. Friends ask me; “So how is Eric doing these days? He looks great!” How do I answer this question? Eric wakes up every morning hoping that everything was a nightmare, and that he’s back to normal again. One minute he’s confused and gets lost in his own house, and one minute he’s attending a business meeting almost like the old days; all in one day. He used to be extremely active outdoors, owner of a mortgage company, and he would always have something to say and he’d say it with a loud voice. Today he’s walking with a walker and uses sign language more then his broken voice. Eric would be the first among his friends with a mountain season pass for snowboarding, the bag packed and ready to hit the mountain once the first snow arrived, today I can’t even get him to go outside. Yes, it’s depressing, his current state is horrible but he’s recovering and has come a long way, and he’s going to recover for the rest of his life; so how do I answer this polite question without being rude to someone who doesn’t understand what he’s going through?

Eric’s vision got damaged at the accident; he’s having problems with left peripheral so he’s starting Visual Therapy next week as an attempt to improve his visual performance. Visual Therapy will train the brain to “communicate with the eye again”. He used to have excellent vision, now he needs glasses for distance sight. I laugh so hard in the exam room so I cried when Eric tried on these special glasses to test his vision; he looked like a dork. Eric laughed too; it was nice and we both needed this break badly.

One issue that’s not as funny is the knee pain Eric’s dealing with; it’s called heterotopic bone. Doctors are not sure what causes heterotopic bone formation; it has something to do with connective tissue cells change their characteristics into bone forming cells. It is not known why the cells change function but it is thought to be some type of inflammatory reaction associated with brain or spinal cord injury. It’s extremely painful and it’s preventing Eric from progressing in the speed he’d like. Radiation therapy is known to be a method of preventing heterotopic bone from increasing and we have an appointment next week to start this therapy since the medicine he’s on isn’t helping for the pain.

We are constantly looking for things that can bring ease to our days and help Eric’s progress. With brain injury, it becomes even more crucial then before to get proper nutrition. If it were up to Eric we would eat pizza every day so it’s stressful for me to come up with health food that he will eat. During one of my late nights in front of the computer I stumble across an article about Nutrition related to brain injury. A recovering brain needs optimal food and the article talked about antioxidant food. By increasing your intake of antioxidant foot it sparks the growth of brain cells. I’m now training myself in how to cook cheep, healthy antioxidant food, which won’t take too much time; and at the same time…taste good. My goal is to “spark the heck out his brain cells…”☺

Our friend Marty has spent some day with us, which took a lot of burden off me. He took care of the dogs, drove Eric to therapy when I had a meeting, was here when I needed to talk, and he hanged out with Eric so I could run errands. Christmas is around the corner, my favorite holiday of the year and the worst for Eric. I compromised with him by decorating the house with half of our holiday décor, and no Christmas tree…but it’s still a lot of Santa’s around the house. Our neighbor Dave helped us decorating the exterior with blue lights. I think we need some magical Christmas spirit around the house. Christmas makes me happy and you never know if your wish will come true around the holidays….

Seriously? Over 100,000 hits since I started this blog! As mention earlier, I thought this blog would live for only a few days and my expectations was to only tell near friends and family members about Eric’s status. In my mind, Eric would be fine in a few weeks and back to work in no time. I was in Denial then, the first stage of the Five Stages Of Grief. I’ve gone through Denial, Anger, Bargaining, and finding myself currently in Depression. This stage is the hardest one so far. You’d think the beginning was hardest, after all Eric almost died, but since I was in Denial, it made the situation easier to handle and I actually felt strong. The adrenaline I had from the chock helped me multi-task in a way, which is out of this world.

I’m cooping with a stress these days that’s unbelievable. As someone said, “If a brain injury won’t teach you how to be patience, then I don’t know what will”. Seeing Eric so confused and fatigue is hard, he could sleep all day if I let him. But I won’t, and I can’t let him sleep all day. Therapy is extremely important the first year of recovery so I’m trying to get as much therapy in with him in a day. Everything I say to him has a meaning behind it to get him to think or to start an activity. I don’t talk to him as husband and wife anymore; I’ve transformed into Eric’s caregiver, which is depressing for both of us. What’s hard about being a caregiver to your husband is not only seeing him disable but also the loneliness that comes with it. Eric’s brain injury is preventing him from realizing the needs of others and it’s not even considerate. The content of his speech and performance is self-centered and immediate. I could win a million dollars and his respond would be thumbs up and a smile. Eric’s inappropriate behavior, which also is caused by the injury, is not only affecting people around him but also our dogs. Eric has mistreated them so it’s to the point where the dogs are afraid of him. They both have been overly active lately and are jumping up on me; according to the little I’ve read, this is a sign of stress or lack of socializing. Trying to take care of the needs of my three boys prevents me from taking care of myself; I need to make some dramatic changes to keep my family and myself alive.

I’m sure the first night in jail was scary. That very same night Eric wanted to call his dad. You can imagine the chocking pain Eric felt when we had to tell him that Michael had passed away ten years ago. He didn’t remember that his dad was in piece along with several other closed family members. Eric had to relive the grief of loosing all; all in one moment. It was heartbreaking. On the positive side, our days are not only depressing and stressful; we do have good times too. What puts a smile on my face are the moments when I see progress, or when Eric is “there” and gives me a hug for no reason, we joke around, or he tells me how grateful he is for having me there with him.

Some of the negative readers on this blog have told me how wrong it is of me to tell our story and that I should keep this to myself. I know my story isn’t unique; 5.3 million Americans have a similar story about their disability resulting from brain injury. Another word for brain injury is the “silent epidemic”. It’s a silent epidemic because you can’t look at someone and tell that this person has sustained a brain injury, which makes it difficult for the average person to understand the complications that comes with the injury. I’m hoping we can turn this around and make it more public knowledge about the extremely difficulties a TBI survivor and families are challenged with; it’s been silent about this injury too long, so I won’t shut up.

Today is Thanksgiving. His carsickness, and sensitiveness to too much activity prevented us from celebrating with his family in Seattle so it’s the two of us at home this year. I’d like to take the opportunity to thank everyone for supporting and caring for us in various ways. You know who you are; which is more then I can say since some of you are anonymous supporters. Your generosity and kindness is graciously accepted, and you’ve helped us in many ways. Thank you!!

The drunk hit-and-run driver was sentenced to 70 months in prison this morning. I was there with my attorneys while Eric’s mom was home taking care of Eric. Her challenge was to get Eric’s morning routine done, which is a difficult task and he challenged her big time. In order to get Eric to do anything we have to encourage him and talk him into it in a positive way over and over again. I’ve figured out it’s easier to get him going by giving him choices of two or three activities. This forces him to think which seam to kind of wake him up easier. I’ve learned the hard way not to ask a question in the form of “do you want to….”, because he’ll only get the answer “no” back. Another very common change after a head injury is an increase in irritability. Due to the damage, Eric is unable to block out excessive environmental stimuli. I’m super nervous to take Eric out in public due to this, and I hope this phase will past really, really soon. He growled at a poor old lady at the hospital, he pointed finger at a nice man who’s only intention was to help us…oh man, how embarrassing!

A new challenge is that Eric gets really car sick, and every outpatient rehab visit at the hospital is not only mentally exhausting for him, his face also turns white from the car ride. Yesterday when we arrived back home from outpatient rehab I got him situated on the couch so he could rest while I took take care of the dogs. Our lovely creatures had discovered the dog food in the garage and had their own party while we were gone. They had eaten so much so their bellies were swollen up shaped like a furry sausage, and they had difficulties moving around normally. On top of this they had their party in the Portland rain so they were soaked. My three boys at the house were all ready to puke and were whining for my help. I didn’t know if I should cry, laugh, or pull my hair; it was a mess! Oh, good times…

I don’t know if the dogs were more restless then I today so we went to the dog park leaving Eric behind alone in the living room. He was busy any whey with reading a several page Survivor Guide for Brain Injury Survivors. At RIO they told me to never leave Eric unsupervised, and they also told me that Eric MIGHT be able to read short stories. Eric did just fine by himself for a half hour, he actually didn’t move from the couch and he was still reading when we came back. I can’t tell you how much he actually remembers from his reading but at least he’s reading and that’s great for him. This day has been out of control relaxing, Eric was so tired this morning so our daily schedule fell behind, instead of working hard with his therapy, we found ourselves spending quality time together next to the open fire. We have a pretty good routine down by now, which changes daily but we get at least one hour speech and one hour physical therapy done a day. I also try to have him focus on a game or a puzzle daily, which is working out fine. Outpatient rehab has started so we have a trip to the hospital scheduled almost daily. Some of our hard worked showed result yesterday when Eric walked 23 steps without any assistance. Woo Hoo!!

Besides learning how to walk and talk again, mental fatigue is a big struggle for Eric. Fatigue and TBI seam to go hand-in-hand, as it’s extremely common for a brain injury survivor to get fatigued in the afternoon; it’s like running out of energy and your body just shuts down. For Eric it’s the opposite (of course!), it’s very difficult for him to wake up, and his mornings are SO slow. His best time of the day starts around 2pm so I’ve made sure to get as much out of him then. This makes it extremely difficult to get enough things down. I’m worried long-term this might make it difficult for him to get a job, and short-term it makes it hard to sign him up for Day Treatment Programs specialized in TBI as these starts in the morning.

Being a Caregiver isn’t an easy job. I’m quite bad at it as a matter of fact. I thought managing a Production Department was stressful but this is a different stress. For example, it’s hard enough to make sure I’m drinking enough water throughout the day, and now I have to make sure we both drink enough, plus eating healthy food. Today is a celebration because Eric almost got all the 64 oz of water finished! The goal is to get him to actually drink the water so I don’t have to give it to him through the feeding tube, it sure would be nice to have the tub removed soon.

Almost a week has passed since Eric came home and we’re slowly adjusting to our new lives. It’s been one busy week, and at the same time relaxing because I don’t have to go to a hospital to see my husband. I’m constantly by his side day and night, and I don’t mind taking care of him. It’s been so long since I cooked him a meal, talked with him in our living room by the fire, had him in the house so I actually enjoy assisting him, but it is draining and I know we can’t have it like this for long. I have a few meetings planed with in-home caregivers and I hope to find the perfect fit.

I can tell that Eric is really struggling, but he’s doing a good job and he’s positive with things for the most part. We went out for brunch last week on a weekday with a friend. The restaurant was almost empty with just one small group of guests by a table when we arrived. I’d given Eric a heads-up that it’s going to be challenging for him to just be outdoors, he didn’t understand me until he tried. He made it through the meal at the restaurant, but he was exhausted afterwards and slept almost the whole day when we came home. Same thing happened today when we went to the local market; like any brain injury survivor the florescent lighting at the store was really difficult for him to handle, even with sunglasses on. I’ve had the opportunity to leave the house a short time daily, thanks to friends and family who’s been over. I’ve spent this time with the dogs; they act so confused, and they are scared off the walker so it’s been nice for all of us to take a break.

It’s nice to see that Eric hasn’t lost his sense of humor. I’ve seen glints of “the old Eric” in between the confusion and his disability, which is really nice to see. He’s brought me many laughs these past days. I’m sure he’s surprised many of his friends with a phone call. Some who came to see him at our house found themselves struggling with holding the emotions and tears back. I understand your feelings and I appreciate your effort in giving us a helping hand.

Almost six months has passed, and our story still continues. We’ve turned the page to chapter two of our “book”, and we have multible chapters left to go. I’ve learned how to be patience, and measure advances in tiny increments, too small on some days but they are there. Eric told me that he can’t see the progress he’s making, so I hope one day he will. We’re going to set up goals together, I’ve created checklists so he can go back and see what’s been accomplished. Step by step, Eric is coming back. Our day today was relaxing, and yet stressful at the same time. I spent more time making sure he’s getting enough water, food, taking his medicine on the correct time, so I forgot to take care of myself. But overall it was really nice to just be at home together. We will slowly learn how to live our new life together, and Eric has already made a few good suggestions. Our near future circles around outpatient rehab visits, rehab at home, in-home care, day programs for brain injury survivors, doctor visits, quality time together with friends and family members, making sure we financially survive, dealing with insurance, paper work and attorneys. Our long-term future is still unknown, but I hope Eric one day will be able to work again. A few weeks ago the doctor told me that Eric most likely won’t be able to work ever again. I’m not worried since we’re proven the doctor wrong a few times throughout this process, and I’m almost positive he will do so again.

Six months ago, we were slowly packing up our lives to move to Sweden to fulfill our dreams about a higher quality living with less stress. Our lives took an unexpected turn and I have instead agreed to do volunteer work as a project manager with Brain Injury Association of Oregon (www.biaoregon.org), a job which hopefully will lead to a paid position shortly. I’d like to help others in a similar position as myself, I hope I have more to give because there are so many out there needing help. Every 23 seconds, one person in the US sustains a Traumatic Brain Injury. An estimated 5.3 million Americans currently live with disabilities resulting from Traumatic Brain Injury. Who would have thought Eric would be one? I’ve decided to take a step down from maintaining this blog daily. Our lives will go on and this blog will too, but in a different shape and reason. Expect to see a change soon.

Eric called several of his friends today to let them know he’s home, and he’d like to see their faces again. He miss you guys, and said he’s been lonely for too long and wants your company again. Instead of reading the blog, please come and visit us, pick up the phone or send Eric an email. Please do keep on checking this blog for updates and other useful information about TBI.

I have to run now, Eric is ringing the bell I put up by the bed for when he needs my help. He’s already used this bell several times today, he’s getting too darn smart for himself; he knows he can get me do do anything for him (for now!).

First day at home with Eric and I’m out of words. I have no idea what happened to him since last night but I like it. The man sitting next me right now, is definitely not he same man I left at the hospital last night….something happened and Eric took a gigantic step forward. I can’t get him to STOP talking!! Sadly, I don’t fully understand him but that doesn’t stop him from talking, oh boy. We had some issues with the pharmacy so we still don’t have all of Eric’s medicine. Turns out that the walker I got for Eric is too small so that’s another thing we need to fix.

While I unpacked, Eric was in bed with my laptop watching the election status. While video ichatting with his sister, he also ichatted with our friend, at the same time. I tell you, Eric is on a roll!!! Oh, and we had popcorn too

Please join me in welcoming Eric home. After almost six months at the hospital, with only three short visits home I’m happy to finally have Eric back at home. We’re having a big welcome home party here on the blog, and you’re all very much welcome to attend. It would be awesome if you could send Eric a positive note; anonymous or not, it doesn’t matter. I would like for him to see the support I’ve seen, as I know this will encourage him to keep going. There’s approx 500 hits per day, and that my friend, are a lot of welcome home greetings.

Cheers!!!!

I haven’t seen Eric smile as much since May 9th as he did today. He was in the most happiest and goofiest mood ever and he made everyone smile back. We had a great time, and it’s because he knew he gets to come home tomorrow. He did awesome in therapy, and he was accused off “holding back” earlier because he did so great. He was able to walk the four steps up and down without any assistants, which is huge! I was on standby assistance but I didn’t have to help him at all. We do however have a problem with his knees. The X-ray on his knees showed a problem and he needed to run more tests. Eric was taken to the Nuclear Medicine room for a Bone X-ray. This kind of X-ray shows the active living process of the bone. Turns out that his bones are growing into his muscular in both knees, an issue that only happens to brain injury and stroke patients. Now, that’s gotta hurt!!! Thank goodness we got this figured out before we leave. We spent the whole day talking about going home so in the end it must have been too much for Eric. He wanted to go home this evening and he accused me for holding him there one more night for no reason. We went from having a great time to a difficult time. Eric called me a liar for keeping at RIO for no reason, he hated me, and he asked why I was scared off brining him home…. Yes, I’m scared but that’s not the reason for why he had to spent the night. The doctor still needs to write up the discharge summary, etc.

I had a little chat with our dogs this evening about the changes we’re facing. They both gave me their paw, looked at me happy and confused, which is exactly how I feel…. happy and very confused about having Eric coming home. Here we go…..

There are two different kind of commends I’ve heard about Eric coming home; everyone means well and the differences goes something like this;
1. From friends and family who doesn’t have any experience or minimal knowledge about brain injury: “I am so happy to hear how Eric is progressing. You much be so excited to finally have him home! Keep up the good spirit, you’re doing a great job.”
2. From a brain injury survivor, spouse or a professional in the field: “Stock up your storage with food, and supplies because you’ll get stranded at the house for a while. What kind of support do you have, you’ll need a big network that can help. You cannot do this alone. One day at a time; it’s the only way you can face this right now.”

Eric has done a tremendous progress, and yet he has a very, very long road ahead. It’s amazing how damaged your body can get in just a blink of a second. Eric’s life will never be the same; this has affected virtually every area of his life — including his relationship with family members, friends, our dogs, myself, and others close to Eric.

I know many of his friends find themselves struggling to cope with changes in his behavior and physical limitations. I know Eric is struggling too to adjust. If you find it difficult, think about how hard it must be for Eric. Some of you will choose to walk away from us, and some already have. I’ve been told this is the nature of the injury; it’s too much for some to understand and cope with, so therefore they will walk away from it. And at the same time, distance friends will be closer then ever. New friends will fill in and time will move on. I will not judge you if you walk away, and I will accept your decision. My hope is to have enough friends and family member that can help us through the rough time we’re facing after discharge from RIO. I can not do this alone.

Things are starting to come to place at the house. Handrails are up, I’ve purchased most of the safety equipment, put up reminder notes throughout the house, organized, etc. I still have a long list to get to before Tuesday. It’s hard to know what to plan for so I figure we’ll have to make changes as we go. It was a really mellow day at RIO, which was nice; Eric needs to rest as much as possible. I had a long talk with one of his therapies and she was so pleased with how great he’s progressing. His moments of “being completely there” will start getting longer in time, and appear more frequently as he progresses, she said. I love to hear all the positive feedback about his progress and I hope we can get more things crossed off as “well done”, before he gets home. I’m really looking forward to Tuesday, but yet I’m extremely nervous about having him live at home.

I had yet another day with not so many hours with Eric but the time we had together was fun. I was running around taking care off stuff for the house while Eric did his therapy. Everyone was pleased with his performance during therapy and he was in a good mood all day. By the time I finally got to RIO, Eric was on his last therapy session for the day, which was physical therapy. I saw him walk with the walker without assistance and he did great. He also did a bunch of exercises for the legs. We spent almost two hours of fun taking pictures of the dressed up RIO staff and Eric was the photographer. I saw this is an awesome therapy thing while Eric just had plain fun taking pictures. He used to be a very good photographer. It wasn’t like a regular day at RIO today, Eric had for example a Bumblebee and a Butterfly helping him today; how often does that happened? He had the biggest smile while taking pictures, which was awesome to see. I haven’t seen him smile like that for a very, very long time. In the end he asked me to bring him home so once again I had to tell him the reason for why he can’t come home yet. He needs to hang in there for just three more day.

Happy Holloween!

I didn’t have time to spend that many hours with Eric today. It takes time to get the house ready for his discharge date, plus buying safety equipment and therapy tools, which is what I’ve done during my “free time” this week. Eric’s day was ok; he was tired but managed to get through with all his therapy sessions as scheduled. His doctor spent some time explaining for Eric what a closed head injury mean, what’s damaged and the importance behind therapy to recover. It was so depressing to hear. There is however one positive thing with this nightmare, and that is that we’re now allowed to park the car at the handicap spots, or as we call it; Rock Star Parking!

Eric has been complaining a lot about pain in his knees and the doctor finally listed to us and ordered an X-ray for both knees, which we had done today. Once we came back to the room Eric’s bed had been replaced. The bed he’d been sleeping in for over a week had a safety net wrapped around the bed so he couldn’t get out at night. He had to use this bed when he was a risk at harming others or himself. It was a scary looking bed, impossible to get out off from the inside, and it’s very common use among patients at RIO. Despite what happened yesterday, Eric is finally back in a regular hospital bed. Woo Hoo, one little accomplishment crossed off from the list.